I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
