Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
