you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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