I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
