I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
