we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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