I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
