I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
