Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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