dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
