So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
