so explain again why im purple
no
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
