I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
