i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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