I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
my poor anus
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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