I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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