drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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