You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
