She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
