the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
