I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
