Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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