I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
