Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think I won the penis lottery.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
