I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
