found the other keg... it's in the tree
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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