Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
