You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
