The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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