I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
