Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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