Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
