My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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