Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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