I just threw up on my dentist
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
