I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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