i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
