i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize