dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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