Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dignity is for republicans.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize