I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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