Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
