the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
