I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize