im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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