I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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