fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize