She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
