with your own penis?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize