He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
