to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
