tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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