i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize