Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
