I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
